Fashion Forward

I am the least-trendy person I know. The only attention I pay to fashion trends is when something pops up that I do not understand and there for absolutely hate. This year’s bared shoulder blouses is a perfect example. What the hell. I have enough trouble getting into my clothes early in the morning when it’s dark and I’m still sleepy without dealing with extra holes. Not happening. And skinny jeans ought to be destroyed. That trend has overstayed its welcome, and makes shopping for regular jeans a herculean task that ends in frustration every. damn. time. Even my tried and true Levi’s has succumbed to this fad. Yo, Levi’s: I weigh more than 86 pounds, thanks.

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On Writing. Humorous and Otherwise.

Registration for the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop opened at 11 a.m. yesterday. The conference is for humor writers, the only conference I’ve ever found that is specific to humor, and is held every two years. I discovered it too late to register for the 2016 workshop, because it sold out in six hours the winter before. I’ve been waiting not-so-patiently ever since. If you know me, you know that this has been excruciating. I entered the conference dates on my calendar as soon as they were announced in spring 2016. When the registration date was announced, that went on my calendar (with the notification activated for five minutes before). I wasn’t leaving anything up to chance and set an alarm, too, that morning.

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The End. The Beginning.

So here I am, on the last day of November, having hit my goal of blogging every single day this month, assuming I finish this piece and post it. I fully recognize that my Christmas tree saga has taken over the blog this week, and I’d just like to say, “Welcome to my world.” It has taken over my life this week. I’m happy to report that I have hit my goal of getting the tree to a state where it’s ready for ornaments. Between M and I, it took approximately 80 hours. Eighty hours we will never get back. Eighty hours that makes me wonder why people erect trees in their homes for one month out of the year anyway. It’s not logical, if you stop and think about it.

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Resignation

I am hereby tendering my resignation, effective immediately. I wish you all the best luck in finding someone who will actually get your stupid giant Christmas tree decorated in time for the 2017 holiday season. You may have to pay a higher salary, hiring this late, so I appreciate the predicament I am leaving you in but for my own mental health I must take leave immediately. It has been an honor horror working here.

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What did I forget?

I’m taking a break from stripping The Christmas Tree From Hell because I made a commitment to write every day and somehow that’s stronger than my intense and utter hatred of this stupid tree. It better look damn good with its giant multi-colored lights after this is all over.

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Me vs. Tree

The war began tonight. While Zoe practiced for her Christmas piano recital, I went mano a mano with a Christmas tree. In case you haven’t read my last post, I’ll get you up to speed: my giant pre-lit Christmas tree decided this year to be a half-lit Christmas tree. It was a lovely stripey pattern but I couldn’t sell M on being avant garde for the holidays. After farting around with the lights for too long yesterday, I made the decision to strip the tree of its lights. M left on a business trip this morning, so it’s up to me to denude our tree. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

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Tech Troubles Part Deux

We have the phone situation sorted out. Solved, as usual, by throwing money at it. I’m the proud owner of a new iPhone, and Zoe took my 6s, which has its own issues (battery is at 83% whatever) but will suit her usage needs adequately for the time being. Turns out her iPhone 5’s screen was coming off because the battery was exploding inside the case, pushing it out. The tech explained that for the cost of the battery, Apple would replace the entire phone as they don’t try to repair exploded batteries. Apparently exploded batteries are very finicky and messing with it could result in a “thermal event.” It took me about 15 seconds to figure out that “thermal event” is engineer-speak for “fire.” We debated replacing it for the cost of the battery, and ultimately decided it wasn’t worth the $79 because the phone is so old it’s incapable of being updated anyway. So, new phones (or new-to-her in Zoe’s case) for the women in the family. Yay.

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Will run for bacon

This morning we participated in the Girl Scouts of Eastern Missouri 1-mile fun run/walk, called “Run for the Cookies.” It’s an annual event that Zoe and I have done for five consecutive years, and M has done for the last three. It’s a good excuse to get up on the lazy Saturday after Thanksgiving and get moving, but my favorite part is being in the middle of a huge group of really cool people. Because Girl Scouts are cool beans.

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