The best of both of us

Tonight was one of those nights where I am reminded once again that my darling child consists of a combination of genes from both me and her father. It’s freaky when that happens.

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Adventures in Caffeine (Subtitle: Coffee: the Devil’s Drink)

Many of you who know me personally know that I have been decaf for years. Decades, even. I, unlike the vast majority of the population, do not need caffeine to be annoyingly perky in the morning. I’m just naturally someone whose peppy personality pisses off my colleagues who are more dependent upon their daily cup of joe to wake up and get going. Now that I’m older and my trusty Stomach of Steel that could consume anything my college self stuffed into it with nary a grumble has turned into a dyspeptic, grouchy old hag who is never pleased about anything, I can’t even enjoy a can of soda without there being…uh…repercussions. So, I ingest no caffeine on a regular basis. This hasn’t disrupted anything except that sometimes I just want an ice-cold Dr. Pepper, damn it. It’s not even for the caffeine. It’s because Dr. Pepper is the most delicious drink on the planet.

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Things I Will Never Do

  1. Jump out of an airplane. I’ve spent years trying to figure out why anyone would jump out of a perfectly good airplane and I’ve yet to find a good answer.
  2. Pierce anything else. I have one hole in each ear for earrings and that’s it. I hardly ever change my earrings, preferring to stick with the small diamonds that M gave me years ago. This is more of a laziness thing than any personal preference. I don’t need anything else that requires maintenance.
  3. Play football. I mean the real kind. I’d try flag football, but actual football…yeah, no. I watch NFL and NCAA games every week and I see these super athletic guys get tackled and go flying and wind up crushed, and they bounce back up, slap each other in the helmet (a celebration I do not understand in the slightest – “Great job!” BAM) and keep playing, and I think to myself, “That had to hurt.” I know that I would not be moving for a long time if I took even one of those falls. No way. No how.
  4. Climb El Cap. Or any giant rock face, really. Those people are crazy. Bat. Shit. Crazy.
  5. Love coconut. This is distressing to me. I really, really want to like coconut. So many people love coconut, and it’s fun to say “coconut,” and hello…pina coladas. Nope. Not meant to be for me, even though every once in a while I try again. Alas.
  6. Enjoy the Aliens movies. As much as M wants me to, there’s just no way in hell I will ever watch more than 2.3 nanoseconds of one of those movies. I have such a visceral reaction to them that it’s pretty much guaranteed I will bolt from any room that has Sigourney Weaver on the screen. I don’t even wait to see what movie it is. Not taking that chance.
  7. Own a motorcycle. I’ve ridden on them before. That was more than enough. Not enough between me and the road. Or other vehicles. Or trees. No, thanks.
  8. Run a marathon. I can’t think of worse torture than to train for, and then run, 26.2 miles at a time. What in the hell are people thinking? I mean, good on ya, but I don’t get it. I’ve seen what those people look like when they cross the finish line. They do not look happy. They do not look like they are having a good time. In fact, they look like the most miserable people on the planet. Why would I want to feel that way? I do not, as a matter of fact, want to feel that way. Ever.
  9. Hunt. This is one of those things that I absolutely do not judge others for (unlike the runners…I totally judge them). I grew up in a hunting family and I respect both the sport and the need for controlling overpopulation. It’s just something I could never personally do. If I’m shooting anything, it’s with a good camera and an expensive lens. Far less bloody, although no deer steaks after which is a bummer.
  10. Enjoy wearing high heels. Those things are like expensive, colorful torture devices for my feet. I either never learned how to walk in them properly or am missing the gene altogether (I suspect the latter), which means any time I do try to wear them I am in imminent danger of seriously injuring myself in addition to looking like a clown on her first day of stilt-walking class.

Editor’s Note: I retain the right to add to this list in the future, should I think of more things I will never, ever do.

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Game Play

I had a whole lazy Sunday to come up with something to write, and then to write it, and I did bupkis. Well, I wasn’t totally lazy. I did laundry and picked up the kitchen, but that was about it. I definitely did not do my writing homework. So I went back to the writing prompts.

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Easy peasy breezy Zozo

I was reminded today how lucky I am to have a laid-back kid who doesn’t freak out about stuff. The reminder came at this morning’s dentist appointment, her usual six-month check-up. I booked it for first thing in the morning to get it out of the way, so we were there by 8:30 and didn’t have to wait long. There were two other families in the waiting area, one of whom had already sent their child back and the other a mother waiting with her daughter who appeared to be about seven years old. The daughter was snuggled up tight to her mom, and looked terrified. She whimpered softly every few minutes, and her mother whispered what I can only assume were calm assurances that everything would be fine.

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A trip to the Capitol. Capital!

Three adults took five Girl Scout Cadettes to Jefferson City, Missouri’s state capital today. We hopped on the Amtrak at 9:40 this morning and returned at about 9:20 tonight. We visited the Missouri capitol building, the Lohman Warehouse and General Store, the Missouri State Penitentiary Museum, the News Tribune newsroom and editor’s office, a small café, a pizza joint, and YoYum.

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The Learning Edge

I worked on editing an interview, one single solitary interview, all. damn. day. And then I went to a community conversation about racism tonight, so today’s post ain’t gonna be funny.

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To boldly snob

I was flipping through my writing prompts book tonight and landed on a page that asked, “Is there anything you’re a snob about?” It’s a good question. Because it’s making me think.

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Owl Surgery

Zoe called me in to tuck her into bed last night, and when I walked in I found her frozen and staring down at the sheets. Normally this means she’s discovered a spider or some other bug, or she’s just barfed, or something equally disgusting has just taken place. I steeled myself and asked, “What’s going on?”

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