February 7, 2023 by Amy

State of the (Marital) Union

Members of the Family, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, Friends, Fellow Citizens, I come before you today to report on the state of our union. Thank you for this opportunity.

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I am pleased to say that our union is strong. After 25-plus years of marriage including the birth and raising of a child and keeping two cats healthy until the ages of 21 and 22, our bonds are stronger than ever. In the past year, we have weathered some difficult times, suffered enormous losses, and generally drove each other crazy by doing things like hanging stinky workout clothes on hooks that are not designated as our own and snoring like a freight train. We have come through it all battered but whole, united in our love for each other or generally too lazy to start over with someone else. 

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This is not to say that we don’t have work to do. I call upon my esteemed husbandial colleague to pass a balanced budget for this year, for instance. The budget has been balanced every year, yes, and is healthy, yes, but I challenge him to henceforth include line items for spa services, writing retreats, and a sports car for yours truly. The Secret Service says it’s time to retire the mom-mobile, dude.

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I think it’s entirely possible that we can make great strides in overcoming such calamities as arguing about food waste, determining whether scrubbing the stove top is included in general post-dinner clean-up, and whose turn it is to take the dog out to poop. We can work together and we must work together and we will work together!

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I have invited several distinguished guests to our house chamber this evening, and I present their stories to you as proof of the fundamental strengths of our union. 

Zoe Zlatic, would you please rise and be recognized? 

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Zoe comes to us from her bedroom in the back of the house, and her story involves working her father over for sweets and conning her mother into regular Starbies runs. She is generally pleased with her life here in the United House of Zlatic, although she gets annoyed when we schedule wisdom teeth removal during the school year and make her pick up the mountain of dirty clothes she is establishing as an entirely separate continent on the floor of her room. Zoe, your efforts in two AP classes, on the volleyball court, and on the lacrosse field serve as inspiration to us all. Your ability to consume more chocolate than four adult humans in one sitting is legendary, and will motivate other children throughout the land to strive to ever greater heights. Thank you for your service to this family.

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Truman Capote Zlatic is here with us tonight. 

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Truman is an immigrant to the House of Zlatic, an unexpected arrival on our shores when he came last year bearing only food and water bowls, a crate, two beds, several toys, and a wardrobe to rival the Kardashians. We were happy to take him in, and he has quickly acclimated to our customs and climate, save for the times he peed on the floor. Truman represents the best of what the United House of Zlatic has to offer: unconditional love, snuggles, and growling at other dogs and animals on the television. We are pleased to announce that Truman has become a full-fledged citizen of House of Zlatic, with all the rights and privileges afforded to such status. He’s such a good boy.

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It is important that we recognize the achievements of our great House over the past year, which include but are not limited to: 

• Setting up everything to be “smart” including all light switches and lamps and both garage doors, and then getting frustrated when various devices drop off the network and magically re-appear for no reason. The CIA has nothing on my husbandial colleague’s ability to chase cyber gremlins to no avail.
• We ordered the right parts to fix the mudroom door. We have not yet fixed the mudroom door, but that’s on the agenda for next year. We are saving it for Infrastructure Week. We are also saving fixing the garage door, the ice maker, and the transformer on the lights in the great room for that week. Infrastructure Week is gonna be lit this year.
• We conducted diplomatic relations with the washing machine, which means we took the damn thing apart, troubleshooting every single piece until we determined that it must be the inlet valve even though there’s no way to tell for sure that it’s the inlet valve and then ordering a new inlet valve for $14 and congratulating ourselves for fixing the problem for only $14 and about 1,437 hours of labor.
• One of us underwent the trauma of two sleep studies and then the implementation of a CPAP device that took a good month to figure out before finally rendering the bedroom site a haven for decent sleep.

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My fellow Americans, now is not the time to shrink from our family responsibilities. Now is the time, more than ever, to come together in unity and love to do what is right. What is right includes cooking fewer meals at home, scheduling more vacations and spa treatments, reloading the Starbies Gold Card with greater frequency, and generally doting on the President Wifeperson even more. I am confident we can come together to reach these goals, creating a secure, happy union. 

Thank you, and good evening, and God bless the United House of Zlatic.

[STAY TUNED FOR A RESPONSE FROM THE OTHER MAJOR POLITICAL PARTY IN THE HOUSE OF ZLATIC, WHO MAY NEED SOME TIME AS HE WAS NOT INFORMED IN ADVANCE OF THIS ADDRESS AND WILL NEED TO COLLECT HIS THOUGHTS, WHICH I GUARANTEE INCLUDE SHOOTING DOWN THE WHOLE NOTION OF REGULAR SPA TREATMENTS.]

#daily life#marriage#musings#personal essay