September 16, 2015 by Amy

Rantings (Mostly because I just feel like writing something. Anything.)

I’m fighting small battles on several fronts, and while none of them are particularly bloody (well, one of them might be) the communion of them is really starting to wear on me. Mostly I just have this underlying feeling of being weary all the time. Weary and wary. Trust no one. Be pissed at all. Adopt “I hate people” as a mantra, a scowl as an amulet against anyone who might venture too close.

I pride myself, foolishly sometimes, on being the person who can always find the silver lining. Laugh when you feel like crying. God never closes a door without opening another. It may not feel like it now, but you’ll realize in time it’s for the best. Bullshit. Things suck.

I wear the dinged, singed, holey (and holy) mantel of the feminist. I want to scream when I hear people misdefine the word “feminist.” I want to howl when people lie to suit their own purpose, when opinions are issued as facts, when reasoned debate is replaced by ad hominem attacks. “You suck.” “No, YOU suck.” I am depressed by the labels we fling at each other as if we’re petulant children on a playground fighting over a ball. Libtards. Rethuglicans. Sticks and stones instead of the issues that really matter. We look like idiots to the rest of the world, because, in fact, that’s how we are behaving.

I see this on both a macro and a micro level. This is what has me so tired right now. Which reminds me, I listened to an interview on NPR on my drive to work this morning with the chancellor of my alma mater, who has an accent and a manner of speaking that doesn’t instill the greatest confidence. I found myself focused on the fact that he said “tard” instead of “tired,” and “hard” instead of “hired.” The story was about rape on campus. And all I could think was, “Who is this yahoo?” That was minutes after I gunned the engine to purposely not let someone merge into my lane because dammit she should wait in that hella line like the rest of us. I am having trouble finding the good today. Internationally things suck. Nationally things suck. Locally things suck. What’s smaller than local? The space around me that includes the air I breathe and the work I do? Whatever it is, that sucks, too.

This is not who I am. Or maybe this is who I am but not who I want to be. Well, now, that’s a thought that’s going to fester.

Addendum: this is an indication of the type of stuff that’s pissing me off right now.