October 21, 2014 by Amy

Sweet dreams, motherf*cker

I am wide awake. Again.

I cannot sleep. I cannot turn off my brain.

A little background: I WAS asleep. Or mostly asleep. After laying in bed for maybe 45 minutes, I was pretty well asleep. And then my darling husband jolted me awake, insisting that there was water dripping on the bed and that I needed to turn my light on RIGHT NOW.

As you can imagine, after inspecting the bed and listening to his now highly irritated wife insist that there's no fucking water dripping on the fucking bed, he went right back to sleep. Only after asking, "Why do I keep doing that? Imagining weird things on the bed? Huh." Which only made the situation more charming.

I took two of the possible three sleeping pills my doctor prescribed tonight. I started off with one, and that seemed to work for a day or two. Then it didn't, so I moved to two. I don't think I really had a chance to see how those worked because then I got sick (again, dammit) and switched to Nyquil. This is my first night off the Nyquil and back on the sleeping pills.

My guess is that if I went back to my doctor and described what happens, she might prescribe two separate beds, in two separate rooms. And given my feelings towards the man currently sawing logs next to me, I wouldn't put up much of an argument.

Okay, in an attempt to gain unconsciousness again, I have now downed two Nyquil. We'll see if that works.

In the meantime, I think I will set my alarm for various times throughout the night. I will wake up at these times and scream incoherent things at my husband, hopefully waking him up in the process. Then, due to my sleeping pill/Nyquil cocktail, I shall blissfully pass out again and leave him wondering what the fuck just happened.

Here are some ideas:

1. A huge cantaloupe is attacking us. (or insert fruit of your choice.)

2. There are monsters under the bed.

3. Aliens at the door.

4. Knock knock…who's there…

5. Turn on the light! Turn on the light! (and give no reason)

6. There's a lobster in here somewhere. (I can't take full credit for this. He's already used it.)

7. Spiders! Spiders everywhere! (again, one of his gems.)

8. Hey, is your alarm set? Is MY alarm set?

9. You got orange? You got orange? Ha, all I've got is underwear. (one of my favorites that he trotted out years ago. Turn-around is fair play.)

10. WAKE UP, ASSHOLE. (that one's just sheer retribution.)