September 24, 2015
A day of awesome, and it’s not even noon yet
Today is The Best Day Ever. There are a bunch of reasons. Here are a few:
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September 23, 2015
Zoe, Roy and the burrowing owls
Zoe has a book report due in a week, and she worked on it last Sunday. I took a look at it this morning and let her know that she has two options:
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September 22, 2015
On emails, solitude, and alarms
Some days it’s easier to choose to be happy than other days. Some days the happiness just comes, and other days I have to fight for it. It’s worth fighting for, I think.
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September 21, 2015
Weekend recap
Once I decided to let the Girl Scout Issue go, I immediately started doing much better. Spent the weekend laughing with friends and family, photographing three volleyball games and editing the images from those plus another from last weekend, puttering around the house, and just being. Throw in some good music and it was just about perfect. I thought I had it licked, these negative feelings, until I woke up yesterday morning at 6 in a panic about going to Mass. I thought, “How can I face him? How can I sit there in the pew and watch our pastor celebrate Mass knowing how I feel and what I think? How on earth can I take communion with the thoughts I have swirling in my head and in my heart? I’d be a huge hypocrite, and there’s nothing I can’t stand more than a hypocrite.” I scrolled through messages on my phone, trying to distract myself and willing the panic to subside. M said, “Hey. I didn’t know you were awake.” and the flood gates opened. We decided it would be best for me to miss Mass this weekend, and so for the first time in many, many years, I didn’t go. The only thing I regret is not being there for my family, but then again, I’d have had a hard time explaining to my kid why Mommy was crying through the entire Mass. I know I made the right choice, even though part of me is pissed that I allowed one priest to keep me away from something where I normally find so much comfort. I just need a bit of distance is all. M came home after Mass and said, “I’m glad you didn’t go. It wouldn’t have been good.”
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September 18, 2015
Finding my way back
I think it’s time to throw in the towel on at least one front. This is a battle I have been waging (not alone, mind you) for over three years now. Three years is a long time to be in an emotional war, especially when there is no end in sight. We’re in this weird sort of limbo, with times of relative peace punctuated by enormously emotional charges that result in a flurry of meetings, phone calls, texts and emails. Link after link after link. Reading sites and articles that piss me off and hearing rumors that make me sad. We never know when the next attack is going to come, so we’re lulled into a sense of complacency. Then they hit again and I’m dragged back in, dragged back down. It is guerrilla warfare, right in my very own parish, and I have to pull my personal troops out.
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September 16, 2015
Rantings (Mostly because I just feel like writing something. Anything.)
I’m fighting small battles on several fronts, and while none of them are particularly bloody (well, one of them might be) the communion of them is really starting to wear on me. Mostly I just have this underlying feeling of being weary all the time. Weary and wary. Trust no one. Be pissed at all. Adopt “I hate people” as a mantra, a scowl as an amulet against anyone who might venture too close.
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September 13, 2015
Waiting for the Train x10
On Zoe’s first birthday, we took her to the St. Louis Zoo. We had no idea then that this would become an annual tradition. We had even less of an idea that we would recreate the same photo each and every year. I took many photos that first year, and I can’t for the life of me remember why we chose this particular one to recreate. We snapped it while waiting for the train to arrive at Red Rocks Station, right there near Big Cat Country. The bench we sat on is long gone, I’ve upgraded my camera twice, and M would be hard pressed to hold Zoe up the way he did that first year, but the feelings are the same. We are just happy to be together, celebrating another year of the best gift we’ve ever received.
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September 11, 2015
Offended? Well, jump on the bandwagon.
Just for shits and giggles, I posted my “funny” story on Facebook. Facebook, which is the online manifestation of Satan himself for all the crap it causes. Because it turns out that what I thought was an amusing, lighthearted anecdote from the 4th grade playground was hugely offensive to a group of boys’ moms. And instead of calling me and talking to me about it (which would have elicited a heartfelt apology and groveling on my part as I absolutely did not mean to upset anyone), they instead spun themselves up to the point where another mom (who is rational not offended) felt the need to call me just to let me know what was going on. There are, apparently, screen caps of my post and miles of angry text messages. Over a four-square tussle between 10-year-olds. That I – and many, many others – thought was funny.
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September 10, 2015
And she shall be king
M picked up Zoe from after care and took her to piano lessons last night, so I could go meet the new J-School dean. So he got all the stories of the day that I normally have the pleasure of hearing. I did get home in time to read for a bit with her, and tuck her into bed. After, M shared this gem:
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September 9, 2015
The eye has it
Well, I’ve been writing a lot lately, but for work. This is not a bad thing. Writing in any form is good.
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