July 12, 2022 by Amy

Colon Blow 2022!

Instructions for a Colonoscopy, Translated for the Rest of Us

1. Pick up prep solution from your local pharmacy.

Translation: Avoid making eye contact with the pharmacist as they hand you a four-liter jug containing a fine, white powder. She knows what it’s for. You know what it’s for. It’s best if we don’t speak of this ever again. (Thank you, pharmacist, for placing the jug in a white bag to disguise the indignity.)

2. Print out the four pages of instructions the nurse emailed and read through to ensure you understand fully.

Translation: This process doesn’t just take a day of prep and then the day of the procedure. Nooooo no, friends. This shit-circus starts 4-5 days out when you are told to stop consuming fiber. A colonoscopy is a good week-long commitment. Not for the faint of heart. Or intestines.

3. Stop consuming fiber four days before your procedure.

Translation: Gastroenterologists probably think it’s super funny to get patients all clogged up, making for a more festive (read: violent) evacuation of bowels. Joke’s on you, suckers. I planned my procedure for right after a summer holiday, which meant I could enjoy my chili dogs and barbecue beef and potato chips and soft pretzels guilt-free.

4. By 9 a.m. the morning before your procedure, add warm water to the fill line of the jug, re-cap, and shake vigorously to ensure the white powder is fully dissolved. Place the jug in the refrigerator so the solution tastes better when it’s time to start consuming.

Translation: There is nothing on God’s green earth that will make this taste better except perhaps bloody mary mix, but since you can’t consume anything red you’ll just have to tell yourself that thick water with a slightly salty taste is awesome when chilled.

5. Consume three liters of the solution in eight-ounce increments starting between 3 and 5 p.m. Save the remaining one liter for the next morning.

Translation: We didn’t bother to mark the jug at the one-liter line so you’re gonna have to do math and keep track of your consumed cups in addition to shitting your brains out. Joke’s back on you, sucker. 

Math: Okay, so there’s 4.22675 cups in a liter (assuming eight ounces in a cup). So three liters would be 12.68025 cups. That’s how much you have to drink the night before so you have a liter left for your early morning prep party. You start to lose track of things so I recommend marking times on a piece of paper as you drink each cup. It’s kind of like forgetting which day of the week it is when you’re on vacation only not pleasant or fun at all. So it’s really nothing like vacation.

6. Although it may take 2-3 hours for the solution to result in a bowel movement, please continue drinking one cup per every 10-20 minutes.

Translation: Unless you’ve packed your intestines with concrete, you’ll be sprinting for the bathroom shortly after drinking the first cup. Be prepared and pre-stock the potty with multiple rolls of toilet paper and petroleum jelly or A&D Ointment (see number 7 below). Do not wait until the process starts. At that point it’s too late to do anything but drink and shit.

Sub-translation: We tell you to drink one cup every 10-20 minutes because one of you might have the intestinal fortitude of a superhero and can gulp this shit down every ten minutes. Start at 15 minute intervals and then move to 20 when you just can’t face drinking more. If you start at 20-minute intervals, you’ll have nothing to look forward to. Trust me, you’ll want something to look forward to. Besides death, obviously.

7. You may want to use petroleum jelly or A&D Ointment to ease rectal discomfort.

Translation: Your ass will be on fire. Vaseline is your new BFF. Don’t be skimpy.

8. If you take regular medication, check with your doctor before prep day.

Translation: Your medication will be worthless as it will shoot out of your butt like it’s riding the log flume at your local amusement park approximately 27 seconds after you take it.

9. Try to get a good night’s sleep before your procedure.

Translation: You’ll sleep like a baby due to exhaustion, hunger, and the aforementioned rectal discomfort that you fixed with your new boyfriend, Mr. Vaseline.

10. Consume the final liter of prep solution by four hours before your procedure time.

Translation: That great idea you had to book your procedure first thing in the morning to cut your fasting time down backfired splendidly, as you must now arise at 3 a.m. to drink the rest of this fucking slop by 4 a.m., four hours before your 8 a.m. arrival time at the hospital.

11. Take two Gas-X pills immediately after consuming the prep solution.

Translation: It’s clean as a whistle in there, hooo boy, but we don’t need any farts flying out in our faces during the procedure.

Other notes:

1. “But wait, there’s more!” After an initial evacuation don’t be so quick to stand up from the toilet. Nope. Give it a minute. Give it ten minutes. Take a book or your phone. Settle in. Get comfy. Consider moving a small table with your reading glasses and a fresh batch of potpourri into the bathroom. Perhaps a nice area rug. Scented candles. A small television set.
2. Don’t trust a fart. It’s never a fart during this process. Never.
3. The directions say it might be easier to consume the prep solution with a straw, and they aren’t lying there. Next time I’m buying a straw with a little umbrella on it.
4. Some people say that the flushing out of your intestines results in a great, fresh-cleaned feeling. I say those people are fucking crazy.
5. It makes the anesthesiologist laugh when, as you see your world start to darken, you bellow, “Wooooo! Here I gooooooo!”
6. Select a driver who does not have work commitments he needs to get back to, because you’ll want someone who responds in the affirmative to your post-procedure desire to consume every food known to man immediately. I have heard that great post-procedure meals include burgers, fries, and shakes; pasta, salad, and breadsticks; anything from a place where the food is served to you hot and close to immediately. Leftover scallops and risotto, while tasty, lose their luster when you have to deliriously microwave them yourself after returning home.

Side conversation after the fact
M: You ate the scallops? I didn’t know you ate!
A: I was hungry.
M: I thought you were going to have cereal or something.
Z: Dude. She hadn’t eaten in like 42 hours and you thought she was going to have cereal?!

7. Select a driver who will take away your communication devices until you’ve fully regained your faculties or you’ll end up texting loved ones:

8. Pray like hell that the doctor finds nothing or next to nothing, not because you don’t want cancer but because you don’t want to go through this again for a very, very long time.

#daily life#musings#personal essay