January 29, 2007 by Amy

The day after the day after The Night

Well, I’m on hold with the customer serviceless department at Sears right now, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to blog a bit. I’ve been on hold for over 10 minutes so far. Love the fact that my phone has a timer on it.

Didn’t blog this weekend as I was too busy preparing for, then participating in, then recovering from Bridal Beano’s Bachelorette Bash. Yes, it’s Monday morning and I’m using alliteration. Fun!

I was sober driver for the bash, and I had a blast watching the bride, and most of the other bridesmaids, get tanked. Hilarious. I don’t know that I’ve ever really seen my sister bombed like that, without being bombed myself, so it was a new experience. One that I wouldn’t mind seeing repeated, because she is so funny. For one thing, she gets about an inch away from your face when she talks to you. On top of that, she opens her mouth way wider than normal when speaking, and my guess is that she is desperately tring to enunciate her words so as to be clearly understood in her drunken stupor. She also feels the need to check the time on her cell phone on a regular basis, although she can’t see it very well and so ends up with the phone right up against her nose trying to read the time. She does this for a moment or two, then shoves the phone at anyone standing near her, whether she knows that person or not, and yells, “Hey, what time is it? Can you see this? I can’t see this!”

I’ve never seen someone go blind while drinking alcoholic beverages, but apparently this happens to Bridal Beano. With sobriety her vision returns to normal.

Meanwhile, I’ve got Trish, a bridesmaid, insisting that she has the best husband in the world. Yeah, they’ve been married five months are so are still in the honeymoon phase, but sweet Jesus, girl. We know already. We got it. We had it the first million times you told us “Randall P” is the greatest guy in the world. Unfortunately for Trish, what she will never understand is that I am the woman with the greatest guy in the world. I know Randy is cool and all, but he doesn’t compare to my M. I didn’t argue with her that night though. There is absolutely no point in arguing with a drunk girl.

The pub we were at gives young ladies the opportunity to earn free shots by dancing on top of the bar. They offer this about every 45 minutes or so, and as the night goes on the sober people (actually, the sober person, as I believe I was probably the only one there) begin to worry for the safety of these inebriated young women dancing on a narrow ledge in stilettos. They all stayed up, though, and one of our party actually joined them on the side bar at one point. Isn’t it funny when someone you know for awhile you see in a new light and think, “Damn, that girl can dance!”

Bridal Beano was easy to spot in the club throughout the night, and not just because of her white veil. One of the b’maids had purchased, and decorated, an inflatable…ahem…certain male body part. This thing was about two and a half feet long and had big eyes and a giant grin on one end. I’ll let you figure out which end. The other end had…ahem…round parts that she had painted blue. The rest of it, except for the grinning end, was painted camouflaged, as Bridal Beano’s groom is a hunter and is frequently clothed in invisible garb. So, of course, we named our new inflatable friend after the groom, and Bridal Beano carried him around on a string all night. A few of the rest of us had glow-in-the-dark…ahem…parts. And Bridal Beano of course had a straw with a…ahem…part on the end.

As for the boys, I got bits and pieces from M as to their exploits. The groom was handcuffed to a bowling ball that had been painted with Bridal Beano’s name, and had a shot glass superglued to the top. He had to lift the ball (and it’s chain) any time he wanted a shot. Apparently his arms got quite a workout that night. Also attached to the ball were Midol, for when She’s PMSing, Tylenol for the nights She has a headache, and Viverin for the nights She just wants to stay up and talk. I’m pretty sure those were ditched quickly.

So fun was had by all, and we were able to send the bride and groom into their wedding weekend with a blast. They should be de-toxed enough by Saturday to do it all over again.

Update on Sears, someone named Beverly answered and went looking for Ron, the jackass who won’t call me back. She found him but he’s on the phone. Beverly took my number and promised, again, to call me back personally and get him on the phone for me. Good luck, Bev. Two Angies, two Joes, Sheryl and Ryan couldn’t do it. The local folks nor the national folks couldn’t do it. If it happens, it will be a miracle. I’m beginning to think there is no Ron, and that they really have only five people that work in all of Sears Customer Serviceless, hence the fact that I’ve now talked to two Angies and two Joes. Stay tuned…this is going to get interesting as my patience has now worn down to nothing and I’m starting to get snippy with the new people who happen to answer the phone when I call.