October 10, 2021 by Amy
Headed Toward Divorce
It started off so, so good. We were constantly together. I loved the connection. I grew reliant upon it. I altered my lifestyle according to the nudges, the encouragement, and I was happy. Until I wasn’t. Until I realized that I was behaving in ridiculous ways just to avoid the nagging, the subtle comments intended to motivate but that really only induced guilt. Panic would set in if I didn’t conform to expectations. Really, who can live up to that constant pressure? It was time for, at the very least, a trial separation.
I worried even about that. How much distance was okay? I was so used to the constant connection; would I feel a void with even the tiniest bit of distance? Am I even able to find fulfillment on my own? Turns out, I am.
I have been thinking about this for over a year now. It felt daunting. It felt like I was letting myself down if I made a change. It kind of came to a head when we were on the beach, on vacation this summer. I had gone into vacation with the intention to stay focused on my health. This mainly centered around food, but ranged into mental health with meditation and physical health with yoga. I bought magazines (vacation being the only time I have to peruse magazines, so it feels very luxurious and vacationy) about yoga and plant-based eating and meditation. It all worked; I ate well and felt great and it was far easier than I expected.
Which gave me the courage (yes, I’m calling it courage, for I feel that all hard decisions involve some amount of courage, and for me this was hard) to seriously consider stepping back. To reclaim myself for myself. To listen to my own drive and motivation and stop relying on an external reference point. To trust myself.
So I took a deep breath…and I turned off notifications.
Yes, it was time for some distance from my Apple Watch.
I resisted buying an Apple Watch for a while when they first came out. Several friends had them and loved them, but it felt gimmicky to me. And they’re expensive. I’m not sure what changed my mind, but suddenly, one day, I wanted one. Desperately. They were in hot demand so I had to order it and wait a month. I offered to M that I could order one for him as well, but he declined. “I don’t need one,” he said. He ordered his the week after mine arrived. It’s that cool.
I loved the reminders to breathe. I loved the nudges to stand up, as it made me realize just how sedentary I had become. I started walking, and before I knew it, I was driven to close those exercise and move rings every day. I scheduled walks around the weather, to ensure I wouldn’t miss a day and therefore miss closing those rings. I walked in circles in the basement if I had to. I was fanatical. Then M started walking and he became the same way.
I set up my watch face so I could see the rings at all times, and found myself tapping the small icon to see them larger several times a day. It was a good day when I could close move and exercise by noon. Then it was only a matter of closing the stand ring. And boy, did I get pissed if I missed a stand hour. Never mind that I was on deadline and cranking hard to get out a piece I was really proud of and that others enjoyed. Never mind that I was in a critical meeting where I felt like I contributed and was heard. Never mind that I was consistently logging 16+ stand hours a day when only 12 are required to close the ring. No, dammit, none of it was worth it because I missed a stand hour in the middle of the day.
After I hurt my foot last year, I discovered yoga. And I discovered that while yoga made my body feel better than it had in years, it often did not offer the caloric burn required by the Apple Watch. I found myself choosing practices based solely on closing that move ring, not based on how I was feeling and what I needed. I started logging my meditation. It was another 10 minutes of exercise and good for about 60 calories toward the move ring. Doggedly tracking meditation defeats the entire purpose of meditation, I think.
When it came to road trips, M and I carefully scheduled our departure and arrival times around when we could fit in our exercise. This is good, of course, but it felt to me as though I were doing this not to reap the benefits of the exercise but to avoid the inevitable disappointment that would ensue should I fail to close even one of those rings. Turns out that when road tripping, the stand ring was the hardest to close. So there we’d be, cruising down the highway at 70 mph, waving our arms like maniacs to trick the watch sensor into thinking we had stood up. It worked. We closed the rings, even though it did feel like cheating. (Because it was.)
The first day I turned off notifications, it felt weird. I found myself constantly battling the desire to check the rings. “Just for fun,” I thought. “Not for accountability…just curiosity.” But curiosity killed the cat and for sure would have wrecked my mojo. That was a couple months ago and, I’m proud to say, I have not checked them once. My daily self-worth is no longer dependent on whether my watch tells me I was successful.
I started, in the mornings on the weekends, not putting my watch on first thing in the morning. It used to be the start to my day. I put on that watch before I even got out of bed. Every bit of movement counted toward those rings, after all. The habit grew and I would go most of a day without putting it on. The tan line from the watch is nearly gone, which feels good. Yesterday, for the first time since I bought the watch, I did not wear it at all. And I survived. I didn’t even miss it.
It’s important, I think, to be conscious of how we use technology, with consciousness and thoughtfulness. My technology was exerting too much control over my life and my decisions, which is not a good feeling. Now, though, since the divorce, I have reclaimed myself, my autonomy, and my ability to make decisions that impact my health both mentally and physically. We’re still friends, my Apple Watch and me. We still hang out every day (well, except yesterday) and we have come to an agreement that the watch serves me and I do not serve it. I changed the watch face, removing those pesky move, activity, and stand rings. Now it shows my calendar, the weather, the date, the time (fancy for a watch!), and a shortcut to the Homekit app so I can easily turn things on and off. I like this new arrangement. Boundaries have been drawn and everyone knows their place. We’re still wrangling over custody of the iPhone, but it’s been pretty amicable.
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