October 13, 2015 by Amy

Junk Patrol

Today at work I had to inform the new Director of Student Life that I was putting him on Junk Patrol. This week is Spirit Week, designed to get students pumped up for Homecoming Saturday. Student Council typically assigns a theme to each day of Spirit Week, which is really just a blatant attempt to get as many dress-down days as possible. Yesterday was Hawaiian Shirt Day. Friday will be School Spirit Day. Today, however, was Lumberjack Day. Everyone was to wear their finest flannel, and many obliged. Even faculty and staff got into the spirit. This place was a walking LL Bean catalog.

By 9:30 a.m., though, I had four people stop by my office to ask if I had yet seen a certain, notorious senior. I had not. I came straight in, did not pass Go, did not collect $200, and got to work, as is my M.O. I save my distractions for later in the day, when I need a break, and I prefer to just start tackling the to-do list as soon as humanly possible.

The folks who stopped by my office let me know that this senior was indeed wearing his flannel shirt, but had also apparently co-opted his younger sister’s denim overall shorts. And by “younger” I mean “five sizes smaller.” I’m still not entirely sure what he was hoping to accomplish, but later I heard that he was bragging about his ability to pass as an exotic dancer. One of the faculty used the term “male ballerina” to describe the, ahem, graphic nature of the overalls. There was very little left to the imagination. Another staffer used her hand to show on her own leg just how high the shorts went. Let’s just say there are few people who can pull off short shorts like that, and none of them work or go to school here.

After the fourth person dropped by to talk about it (all were consistent: their mouths hung open in aghast, eyes glazed from the damage, heads wagging in disbelief), I popped by the poor Director of Student Life’s office. I’m positive this is not what he had in mind when he accepted his recent promotion to this position. He had not seen the offending, um, package, and laughed nervously when I announced that he was on Junk Patrol. “You gotta go out there, find him, and say something.” I didn’t know whether he would actually do it, but huge props…he did. He had what has got to be one of the most uncomfortable conversations in his life. I do not envy him. However, he has a helluva story to share now, which is pretty kick-ass.

I had managed to avoid a sighting myself, until after lunch. I was headed to a different part of campus for a meeting and was almost down the main hall in the high school when something – a tragic sixth sense, if you will – made me turn around. There it he was, coming straight down the middle of the hall, walking towards me. The descriptions I had received were entirely accurate. Bleach is not strong enough to clean out my eyes, people. Oh, the humanity.

Every day I work here I experience something new. Every single day. And most of it? You can’t make this stuff up. This is the Best Job Ever.

LATE ADDITION: It’s now two days later. Today’s theme is Jersey Day. People around here are sporting their favorite team jerseys. I’ve seen Blues, Cardinals, school jerseys, etc. Me? I’m showing off my new NaNoWriMo hoodie, which is like a team sport for writing geeks. Because writing is a sport, dammit. Anyway. It has come to my attention that a senior, different than the one profiled above, has chosen to wear his cycling jersey. Cool. I’m down with that. However, he is also wearing his cycling shorts. Once again, we have little left to the imagination, and someone’s gotta go on Junk Patrol. I am recommending that next year, we designate one day as Junk Day, on which I and the rest of the female staffers will call in sick.