July 26, 2022 by Amy

Let’s Get Pumped

Things you learn when your sump pump dies during an epic, 500-year rainfall:

1. Yes, you can get over your fear of the sump and even stick your arm down in the icky water to test the float. (Turns out it’s only icky on the top, and it’s super cold, and yes, that thing floating with a hundred legs is a big giant bug but it’s dead so stop dry heaving already.)
2. A quick way to test an outlet is to stick a nightlight in it. (This lesson courtesy of my father-in-law, who we’ll call FIL.) (If the nightlight has a light sensor on it, you might want to cover that puppy up so the light flicks on, thereby showing you the outlet does work and therefore the problem really is with the submerged pump that is rusty and looks like it has grown barnacles and not with the simple, dry, clean outlet, dashing your hopes once and for all.)
3. When the outlet works and the circuit breaker is fine and the float works but the pump is not pumping, it means the motherfracking pump is broken and will need to be replaced. Occam’s Razor or some shit like that.
4. Your husband is super helpful when he’s in meetings in Boston and texts things like, “I don’t remember exactly what it looks like so I can’t tell you what to do, but you gotta get it out and replace it. Like, NOW.”
5. It’s wise to recognize your limitations and call someone who knows more than you. And who is actually in town. Today, this was my FIL. He came over, peered down the hole, stuck his arm in there, and announced, “I don’t know anything about sump pumps.” Excellent. I was in good company. The man’s an engineer with an alphabet of letters after his name and we were on equal footing.
6. When you call your favorite service company and they ask you, “Is there any damage to your home right now” you realize the strength of your morals and conscience and you tell the truth, even though you know it’s going to put you at the bottom of the list. “We can get you in Friday.” Today being Tuesday with more rain predicted, I’m gonna have to find Plan B. But thank you. Now please quit apologizing so I can hang up and start searching for a different solution and you can answer more calls to help those far worse off than we.
7. Your FIL can fix a lot of things, and when he can’t fix something, he knows who to call. In this case, it was his brother-in-law, or my uncle-in-law (UIL), who also said, “I don’t know anything about sump pumps” and then proceeded to fix it. Said UIL also walked into my house in khaki shorts and a polo with a big ol’ socket wrench sticking out of his back pocket. He’s like an adult Boy Scout or MacGyver or something. If I’m stranded on an island after a boat tour goes awry, I want that guy there. He comes with tools.
8. When the broken sump pump comes out of its watery grave, you have to, ironically, use more water (and a toothbrush) to scrub away the rust and barnacles to find the brand. And if you type in “Zoe Co water pump” into Google—because the Zoe and the Co are the only letters you can make out—the wicked smart little elf in Google will tell you immediately that your pump is a Zoeller brand pump and give you a helpful link to the company’s website where you can plug in your zip code and find a distributor while you cross your fingers that there’s one in town who will sell to laypeople (i.e. not Professional Plumbers and Contractors).
9. There is a sump pump god who ensures that the local distributor less than two miles from your house has a stack of new sump pumps, exactly the model you need, right by the front door. And they’ll sell to anyone. Glory be to the sump pump god.
10. When you ignore your poor dog while you concentrate on the sump pump issues, he will eventually deposit one small turd on the floor while making eye contact with you and then race to the back door and wait patiently while you scramble for his leash. Well, Zoe took him out for the remainder of his duties while I cleaned up the turd. Teamwork makes the dream work, people.
11. I will never, ever again complain about the drone of the sump pump, which is conveniently located one floor down, directly under our bed. That drone means it’s working, and when it’s working, that means I don’t have to worry about my basement flooding. I will sleep peacefully tonight, with soothing white noise.
12. Family is everything, especially when they drop everything to fly in and rescue you. And your basement.

#daily life#personal essay