August 10, 2014 by Amy

Pre-Birthday Musings

Tonight, whilst discussing my upcoming birthday, M said, “Oh, just go buy some stuff.” This was after he tried to pass off both the new train track and its railroad ties as my birthday gift. After gently persuading him that this was not a good idea, he decided that it would be much easier for both of us if I shopped for myself.

This, my friends, could be dangerous.

I hit Amazon, where I remembered that I had two things in my shopping cart from earlier this week. A green Moleskine notebook has now been ordered, along with a Dr. Who box set and some sneakers. The sneakers aren’t really part of my gift. I need them anyway and hey, free shipping.

Then, just to mess with him because he does things like try to give me train track for my birthday, I did a search for “cat.” I said, “Hey…I wonder if I can buy a cat on Amazon!” He furrowed his brow and started glaring, which made the exercise even more awesome. He could gold medal in glaring, I think. Here are my results:

Huh? First of all, I think Cat Houses & Condos could be combined with Cat Activity Trees. That would be much more efficient. Come to think of it, what’s the difference between a Cat House and a Cat Condo? Aren’t the Humans doing all the maintenance anyway? And aren’t they already living in a multi-person community? Why aren’t there Cat Vacation Rentals? In London, are they called Cat Flats?

Secondly, Men’s Boots? That cracked me up. Amazon, I love you.

Then I saw the first suggestion below and was intrigued. Human-to-Cat Translator. The possibilities are endless. I could now be sure Tachi understands me when I plead “For the love of God, please stop barfing” and that Max would surely get it when I yell at 3 a.m. “Shut the fuck up you asshole cat!”

However, this would mean that M and I would have to stop using the voices we made up for the cats years ago, creating whole personae that typically involve insulting each other, demanding ridiculous things, and singing current pop tunes off key while substituting the cats’ names for actual lyrics. Sometimes Tachi does complicated math in her head, but only when M is speaking for her. When I speak for her, she rhymes in iambic tetrameter. Max demands meatloaf on a regular basis. When Zoe’s not around they curse like sailors. Not that we need to use the cats to do that, but it’s just extra funny to hear it in their voices.

I really didn’t know where this post was going when I started writing it. I just wanted to point out how weird it was to find “Men’s Boots” at the end of that list of suggestions from Amazon. And then my brain took over.

I want to get something really, really strange for my birthday. Something that I never knew I needed until wham, I saw it, and then I knew I must have it. Something out of character for me, but life-changing. I don’t really know how to search for that, though. Amazon, unlike Google, does not have a search feature called “I’m feeling lucky.” Maybe M was onto something when he suggested the railroad ties. I can’t think of any 41-year-old woman I know who would totally dig railroad ties as a birthday gift.

That’s it. We’re totally hitting the lumber department at Home Depot tomorrow.

Edit: I know what I want. I want a writing shed. Seriously. Those things are the shit. I read about a writer who has one, and about another woman who built one both for herself and to host small writing workshops. So I just googled “writing shed.” Oh. My. Goodness. Google, apparently, is just as dangerous as WebMD, only in a different way (i.e. it invokes feelings of lust instead of holy-shit-I’m-dying-from-multiple-rare-diseases feelings). I’m smitten. We need more land. 

Edit 2: M just found a YouTube video of some guys who built a go-cart for riding abandoned railroad lines. Now I want one of those. Add YouTube to the list of dangerous websites.