April 7, 2011 by Amy
Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here
I have spent the last two hours of my evening filling out employment paperwork. The company for which I’ve been contracting for the last year is finally pulling the trigger and making me an honest woman. I’m becoming a regular ol’ employee with benefits and everything. This is a good thing…a very good thing.
HR paperwork, on the other hand, is evil. I believe it is designed to mess with your head. It’s an endurance test, developed to weed out the less-motivated candidates. “You want a job? Yeah? Fill out these 9,000 forms and then tell me you still want the job.”
I’ve had the joy of filling out, tonight, in no apparent order:
- My offer letter/acceptance (okay, so that’s just a signature and date, but I still had to read the d*mn thing closely and it was looooong)
- Application for employment, which involved essentially writing out my entire resume
- State Withholding Allowance Certificate
- Beneficiary Designation for Employee Insurance
- Form I-9, Employment Eligibility Verification
- My company’s Travel and Expense Policy and Guidelines Acknowledgement
- Secrecy, Non-Disclosure & Proprietary Rights Agreement
- Employee Profile (where I stated, yet again, my academic background)
- Consumer Report Disclosure and Authorization
- Background Check Release Form
- American Express Corporate Card Application
- 2011 Employee Enrollment Form for medical/dental/vision
And that’s not all, boys and girls! According to the checklist on top of the packet, I must still fill out some forms that weren’t included:
13. Form W-F Federal
14. Authorization for Direct Deposit/Petty Cash Reimbursement Form
15. Employee Handbook Acknowledgement
16. Property and Wage Deduction Agreement
I have essentially disclosed my entire personal history, and must show up tomorrow with my drivers license, passport, social security card, and blank check for direct deposit set-up. All of this is contingent on whether I pass my drug test. Having never done drugs, I’m not worried about it, although something to take the edge off sounds pretty damn good right about now.
I think whichever HR company comes up with a way for a person to fill out one form and have everything automatically populate in the identical fields in all the other forms should win a Nobel prize. And be given a million, million dollars.
I have signed my name so many times I think I may have purchased a second home. M’s name and vitals appear as well (he’s my emergency contact, swell guy that he is). And even Zozer’s once or twice.
I’m not done yet. There are still questions here and there. I need to discuss the health insurance with M, as they make the decision difficult by giving you apples to compare to oranges. His bi-weekly cost is higher than mine would be, yet all his co-pays are lower. It’s a calculated risk: how many times do I think I’ll be visiting the doctor this year? Well, hell, given my recent medical merry-go-round (resolved by me, thankyouverymuch), I’m kind of at a loss. I’m usually quite healthy and rarely see any doctors. Until, you know, I have excruciating jaw pain with no explanation.
I’m not even looking at the 401(k) information. (No, M, I don’t have it yet. Hold your horses.) M is positively salivating over the 401(k). For good reason: it’s offers a nice match – free money! – and is vested right out of the gate. Alas, that will have to wait.
I’m going to bed now. Happy but tired. And gainfully employed. Hallelujah.
https://www.blogger.com/profile/12142657530859151906">Chilly - April 7, 2011 @ 10:47 am
Congratulations – on the job, that is! The rest of sounds a bit Kafkanian (if that's a word?) to say the least. In our country, we sign one paper and that's it – so, could you please send the billion dollars? 😉
https://www.blogger.com/profile/05465978050819239108">Amy - April 7, 2011 @ 3:23 pm
Thanks! Here in the US, we say "Kafkaesque," but I know what you mean!
In my country, we are a litigious bunch with a propensity to scream "lawsuit!" over the slightest thing. Hence, signing your life away just to become an employee. Or do anything else, really.