October 3, 2014 by Amy

The mess

Two people I love are dying, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I mean, I know that we all will die eventually, so in essence, from the moment we are born we are all moving along various timelines toward death. (Yes, this is quite the sunshiny post today, isn’t it?)

But it’s different when you know that death is pending. It’s…what? What’s the opposite of empowering? Depowering? Unpowering? It sucks. That’s what it does. Knowing that I can’t do anything, and no one can do anything, and it’s just gonna happen.

Yes, there is a part of me that understands that these two are going to a better place. I get that. But the utterly human part of me is selfish and upset and pissed. In a more magnanimous state I’d be able to write that we are all better for having known these two, and that we’ll get to see them again in our heavens, and all that other stuff that makes us feel better. But I’m not feeling magnanimous today. I’m full of piss and vinegar and I’m watching those I love hurt (the two and those who love and care for them) and it just doesn’t make sense for me.

Clearly, I have control issues.

We have an annual Oktoberfest party tonight that we look forward to all year long. Tons of friends, awesome food, and yummy beer. And given my current mood, it doesn’t bode well. It’s too easy to drown the feelings of powerlessness under German hops. It’s too easy to get shitfaced and try to forget about pain and sadness.

So what I’ll do is this: I’ll show up at the party and, between beers and chatting with friends, I will look around at this community and realize that this is what it’s all about. Even in the middle of saying goodbye. Even in the middle of my heart cracking wide open and its contents spilling messily all over this space. Even while I know people are suffering the world over. And I will give thanks and I will share love and good spirit, knowing that just putting it out in the universe makes for some damn good juju somewhere. Life is messy. Death is messy. It’s all just one big, fucking mess, so we might as well enjoy it while we can.