October 15, 2021 by Amy
I don’t understand why people hate the DMV
A shitbag stole Zoe’s purse a couple weeks ago and the last thing we had to do to get her whole again was to replace her newly-minted driver’s license. Easy peasy! I re-gathered all the exact same materials we used to get her license and, on her first day off school since the theft, we headed to the DMV.
As we stood there in line, I silently congratulated myself yet again on being one of those people who checks the Missouri DMV website and makes sure I have all the necessary documentation when I arrive, thereby avoiding wasting everyone’s time. I had a bank statement addressed to Zoe, a letter from one of my retirement accounts addressed to me (to prove my residency so I can attest to her residency since she’s under 18), her passport, her birth certificate, and her social security card. I had even, in a moment of brilliance, tossed in the letter that came with Zoe’s first license from the state of Missouri. Great! Another piece of mail evidence of her residency! I was, if anything, over-prepared.
I like to look haughtily and with judgmental disdain upon the mere mortals who aren’t prepared. I especially like it when they get all surly and annoyed at the DMV person who explains the requirements, which are clearly outlined on the DMV website for any fool to find. I pride myself on being The Good Citizen who has done the appropriate research and comes ready to play.
I summon this same smugness when I go through TSA at the airport and I already know all the rules. Call me Efficient Woman, not quite as powerful as Wonder Woman but someone who Gets Shit Done nonetheless. I don’t have bullet-repelling gold bracelets or a golden lasso but I do have a kick-ass documentation filing system. To-may-to, to-mah-to.
There was hardly anyone in line and we were called forward quickly. I explained the situation while removing my stack of papers from my plastic sleeve, and handed the bunch over to the DMV woman who had just finished dipping tortilla chips into a small jar of salsa, ate them, and then squirted two pumps of hand sanitizer to prepare for our interaction. She flipped through the papers and handed the entire stack back.
“Yeah, none of this will work.”
Excuse me? This is the exact set of papers we used just a few weeks ago to get her license, with the addition of another proof of residency. “We didn’t catch some things,” she replied. By “we” I think she meant “I” since she was the same person who processed everything the first time. So here is what I learned this week at the DMV:
- Bank statements are great things to bring for a 16-year-old who otherwise receives no official correspondence through the mail (because she’s 16), except that the bank statement needs to be within 90 days. It’s 2021. Who has bank statements mailed to their homes any more?
- Since young people hardly get mail in their name, a parent can bring an identifying piece of mail themselves and sign an official proclamation attesting that the young person lives at this address. By “official proclamation” I mean a slip of paper (one of many cut from a standard sheet of paper) where I write in my name, her name, our address, and my signature, hand it to Salsa Sally who looks at it for two seconds and hands it back. (I’ll be sure to file this with my other Important Documents.) However, the piece of mail I presented with my name and address didn’t qualify for two reasons:
- It was a statement from one of my retirement accounts, a letter actually, and the state of Missouri doesn’t allow two bank statements. Even though it wasn’t from a bank but rather a financial institution and it wasn’t a statement but a letter. Whatever. Money is money and they’re all banks, according to Missouri.
- Although the street address and ZIP code matched on both pieces, Zoe’s statement said “Saint Louis” and my letter said “Des Peres.” Hey, Missouri, are you aware of St. Louis County and its bajillion municipalities? If the USPS can figure this out, why can’t you? Mental note: change every mailing list in the world from “Des Peres” to “Saint Louis” and avoid shit like this in the future.
- The letter that accompanies your driver’s license FROM the state of Missouri that has your name and address as verified BY the state of Missouri is not acceptable as evidence that you LIVE IN the state of Missouri. “We can’t accept this as evidence.” Why not? It’s literally from you. <shrug>
Chastened and humbled, I jammed all my paperwork back in my plastic sleeve and accepted a copied list from Tortilla Trudy that outlines all the required paperwork. Which is identical to the web page I visited to prepare for all this, only the copied list contains handwritten clarifications to many of the bullet points.
We came home and I printed a current bank statement (which feels disingenuous since it wasn’t snail mailed to me from the bank but looks identical to the statements they do mail so I guess it’s okay) and grabbed the car insurance card in my name that says “Saint Louis” for the city instead of “Des Peres.” We headed back to the DMV and Chip ‘n Dip Diane processed Zoe’s new license in just a few minutes. I thanked her for the helpful photocopied sheet with the handwritten clarifications and we were on our way. I am still debating whether I have to relinquish my Efficient Woman cape.
This all seems, to me, an absolutely insane way to conduct business. Oh, but it’s not business ha ha ha. It’s BUREAUCRACY!
Bureaucrats 1, Amy 0
To the State of Missouri, should anyone ever discover this post: call the Des Peres License Office and ask for the woman who loves tortilla chips and salsa, get a copy of her awesome DMV instructions page with the handwritten notes, and update your damn site.
Also to the State of Missouri: dudes, just accept a passport as proof of identity. Do you even know the hoops we have to jump through to get those? Granted they’re not quite as ridiculous as yours because the federal government knows that Des Peres = St. Louis, but whatever.
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