February 7, 2024 by Amy

Resume of a Yorkie

TRUMAN CAPOTE STACK GIBBS ZLATIC

Intelligent, snuggly, 10-pound fluffball capable of undying attention and loyalty.

(Unless you piss me off for no discernable reason, in which case I will
cuddle with another family member while eyeing you reproachfully.) 

(That never lasts long, though.)

Experience

Family Pet, Four-Human Family with Other Pets: May 2014 – January 2021

Duties: Created heart melt as an impossibly cute tiny puppy for the small female humans. Trained adult female human by peeing and pooping on her floor, so she would take me for walks. This provided exercise options for the adult female human and gave her meaningful work to fill her otherwise empty days. Scented the house by occasionally depositing excrement on the dining room floor. Became annoyed by the much larger dog in the house, who is laid back and suave and totally cool around other dogs (what is with that guy?) and therefore got taken to all the sportsball sidelines. 

Family Pet, One-Human Family, Solo Pet: January 2021 – March 2022

Duties: Kept an elderly, mostly home-bound human male company. Cleaned the floor by hoovering up whatever he dropped from the table. Snuggled in bed with the human male, except when I was in a snit for whatever reason, in which case I took to the couch to express my displeasure. Sometimes peed from excitement when visitors arrived. Trained adult male human to open back door and let me run free around fenced yard when I so desired. Trained him to reopen door as soon as I wanted to return inside, which was sometimes immediately. Note: slight weight gain due to overfeeding of treats; not my fault. 

Family Pet, Three-Human Family, Solo Pet: March 2022 – present

Upon the untimely demise of my second human (again, not my fault), I joined a third human family. At first, my main use seemed to be providing soft fur to absorb the tears of the adult female human, who I have discerned is related to my former, older male human. I imprinted upon that female human quickly, making it impossible for her to part with me. Forced the adult male human of the house, who I have ascertained is the alpha male due to his size and ability to avoid peeing on the floor, to accept me as a pet, overcoming his insistence that he “doesn’t like pets” and abhors dogs. Won him over anyway. Currently working to slowly usurp the role of the younger female human, who I suspect is leaving later this year for something called “college.” I predict that my role as Center of the Universe will be 100% solidified upon her departure. 

Become attached to the adult male human, without letting him (or anyone else) know by largely ignoring him when the female humans are around. Show this attachment by developing stress colitis, which is the official medical way of saying “the runs,” every time he leaves on a trip. Use the mere sight of a suitcase to start the intestinal chaos, and deposit gifts of various consistencies and scents around the house up to five times per day while he is away. This tactic offers the adult female human an opportunity to converse yet again with her friends at the veterinary office and to take a leisurely scenic drive to pick up canine probiotics and bland food in a can (my favorite). I suspect they are on to me, as the last time the adult male human disappeared, I was held in another room while he smuggled out his suitcase, and the adult female human disappeared downstairs every morning (where the adult male usually works) and said, “Hey Siri, stream KWMU” before returning upstairs and leaving for work. I then heard voices coming from down there as usual, but they didn’t sound familiar. I chose to avoid developing stress colitis this time, but I reserve the right to do so in the future.

Skills

• Peeing no fewer than 143 times during a half-mile walk.
• Picking up stray leaves and other yard debris in the fur of my face and paws and bringing it all into the house, where I lovingly leave it for others to enjoy.
• Eating my food at light speed. And then begging for more.
• Eating dead worms that have baked in the sun for days, resulting in intestinal distress and odoriferous gaseous emissions.
• Destroying my favorite stuffed toys in record time. Can yank the stuffing out of a new squeaky squirrel in under four minutes now.
• Commandeering human lap as soon as the human places her legs on an ottoman and covers up with a blanket. Launch to settling time: approximately three seconds.
• Defending my family and our abode from all the vicious creatures (both real and animated) I spot on the glowing rectangle in the couch room. This involves growling, huffing, and barking, mostly from the couch but sometimes by launching off the couch and craning my head up at the glowing rectangle eight feet above me. 
• Defending my family on daily walks from such threats as: other dogs (the larger they are, the more I lose my shit; it’s called a proportional response, people), other humans, strollers, lawn waste bags, trash trucks, loud cars, the wind, squirrels, the feral cat that lives in our neighborhood and could kick my ass with one paw, birds, and anything out of the ordinary, including but not limited to a pink scooter discarded by a child on the sidewalk and a Halloween spider decoration on the neighbor’s mailbox. Come at me, bro.

Honors

• The goodest boy
• The best boy
• Such a fine fellow
• So handsome
• Sweetest boy

Many of these honors have been bestowed so many times that it would be inefficient to list them all here. Suffice it to say, I am awesome.

Education

My first adult female human homeschooled me, and I daresay she did a great job. I’m like a freakin’ genius, and I have a very healthy ego. 

Aliases

• Trumies
• Trumanski
• Trums
• T-man
• Buddy
• Poopums
• BabyBoy
• Porky (again, not my fault. I’m just built this way.)
• Dumbass (when I eat the dead worms)

Note: I am not currently seeking new employment, but I have learned that it’s always important to keep one’s resume up to date in case of sudden change in circumstances. Current family shows zero plans of parting with me, but they might piss me off (see: sustained travel by adult human male) in which case I would be forced to seek new, more available humans. (No, it does not matter to me that both female humans remain home in his absence and shower me with love and affection and treats. I want what I want.)

#daily life#dogs#personal essay#truman