April 15, 2018 by Amy

The Straw Revolt

tl;dr: FREE STRAWS!

Years ago, when Zoe transitioned off a bottle she refused sippy cups so, at the recommendation of a therapist, we turned to straws. This was easy-peasy, because you can buy straws at the grocery store. Every once in a while, I’d pick up another package on my weekly trip and we’d be set for a couple months. Then, one day, I sent M to the store to pick up a few things. One of the things on the list was straws.

He came home with a carton of 3,000 straws. I’m not kidding. I include the photo as proof. I groaned, and asked him why he bought 3,000 straws and he said, as was perfectly predictable from my frugal engineer, “The cost per unit is way less if we buy them in bulk.” Of course they are. Because straws are so insanely expensive to begin with that this is clearly the only logical choice. In addition, he may have thought that Zoe would never transition from a straw to an open cup, so we’d need a lifetime supply of straws at the ready.

From the beginning, Zoe and I hated the straws. They’re perfectly functional, of course, but they aren’t fun. They aren’t bright colors or striped, and they aren’t bendy. They are plain, translucent, and individually wrapped in sanitary paper sleeves. They are the minivan of straws. We want the clown car of straws, the ice cream truck of straws. Straws that make us laugh with delight.

“I can’t believe you’re griping about this,” he said. “It makes so much sense.” You’d think that after years of living with me, he’d have known that often times my thought processes, wants and desires make little sense, but he tries anyway.

Zoe and I have gamely used the boring straws for years now. I have transported them through two moves, and they’re currently taking up a decent amount of space in my pantry. I think we’ve made a real dent…we’ve used maybe 50 of them. That’s 1.7%, people. I will die with these straws. I will have to leave them to Zoe, and she will have to leave them to her children. Our family legacy, it appears, will be JUMBO STRAWS PAPER WRAPPED.

So I’m reaching out to you. Do any of you have a need for 2,950 straws? A school art or science project, perhaps? Family reunion? Are you opening a fast food restaurant and this would help with your initial operating expenses? Do you fancy having multiple drinks with straws every day? If so, you’re in luck.

I know these are a hot item, so first come-first served. I decided during my grocery store run yesterday that I was tired of living with boring straws. We only have so many years on the planet, after all, and life is too short to not have colorful bendy straws. I bought a pack, and determined to rid our lives of the stupid boring straws two-thirds of us hate. He’s in Singapore right now, so he can’t stop me. This is what he gets for traveling.

And yes, I learned my lesson, and I don’t send M to the store by himself any more.